| Life is so unbelievably beautiful sometimes.
PROFOUND!
thank god i don't take myself seriously anymore.
thank god i didn't delete this gem.
i still miss ujournal. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| let's talk about anxiety. jesus h. christ. i have two exams tomorrow and then i'm done. i am done with my freshman year of college, i am 19 years old and i will be 20 in a very short amount of time. ive always been obsessed with how fast life is going, but this is absolutely ridiculous. i don't want to waste my time in Florida at stupid universities. i want to be out traveling and doing what i want to do. of course, the age old fucking debate about what's right and what's wrong. as far as my mother, and society, is concerned it is utterly ungrateful to be so flippant. but, mom, you're the one that is cleaning teeth for a living[read: mundane job]. that can't be me. it really can't. i'm not above it, i just couldn't deal with it. i'm actually probably somewhere below it. anyway, freshman year is basically over. i'm not exactly excited about it, summer is welcomed and i can't wait to see my friends, but i mean, fuck, where is all my time going? what have i got to show for myself so far? nothing. absolutely nothing. some letters on a piece of paper. i don't know why i even complain because i know i'll never do anything about it. sad, but true. i have to be mature, i have to be understanding. we just cant afford out of state, katy. you're being an ungrateful brat, katy. it's only three more years, katy. only. three. more. years.
so, freshman year. it's been goddamn crazy, that's for sure. i don't know what to say about it. i guess i could say the obvious, Tallahassee is a hellish city and i didn't like it at all. sadly. very sadly. i've learned more about myself this year than i ever could have wanted to. i sort of wish i didn't know certain things, but as long as i keep refusing to think about them, they don't really exist. my faults and worries only catch me at night right before bed and knock the wind out of me. my ability to stop thinking is alarming. voices in my head screaming over other voices. let me just lay on some sand on a fucking island for the rest of my life. the paradox of my life. i want to do so much that i'm bursting and yet my idea of freedom is being on an island and doing nothing forever. who fucking knows. i'm over myself now. blahblahblah.
and freshman year, if i never think about it, well, it didnt happen. and that's really scary.
and after looking at my old entries, wow, in 2004 i felt the same way i feel now. i wanted to live on an island and do nothing. this is probably really telling. lisa, do you still think greenpeace can brave the seas? aging is a pain in my ass. blah. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| there are so many trees here. i love trees. i love flowers and grass. i love birds and bees and...i was going to say squirrels, but i really hate squirrels. that's my reason for leaving. i can't stay here anymore because i hate squirrels and there are too many goddamn squirrels. i feel like such a failure. i was thrust out into the real world and i sank. i am at the bottom of lake ella right now. i have gills, so i can breath, but im down there, alright. i am fucking stuck. i am stuck. i am stuck. i am going to swim out of this soon.
im happy. i am happy. i really am, too.
i don't know why i want to write in this. i guess because i want to be able to look back on it. i dont know. i really dont know.
i don't know what to do about my life plans. i hate math. i hate science. i can't write for shit. i can't play music or sing. i want to help people.
summer is soon. summer and traveling. thank [someone] for that.
i wish i could write what i'm thinking. i wish. when i was a kid and someone would ask me what i would wish for if i had three wishes, one of my wishes was always world peace. i wonder what i was thinking. i cant even remember. i wonder if i really wanted world peace or if i just thought that it sounded the best. i hope it wasn't the latter, but who knows. i wish for world peace right now. i'm so afraid for my future. i'm so worried about my planet and its people. it makes me really nervous living in this time. i don't know why. it just makes me anxious. i just want to get all of the people i love together and build a rocketship. we could live on the moon. maybe i should study astrophysics or whatever the fuck it is that astronauts study. that's what i'll do. that way, when the world comes to an end i'll have built a rocketship to escape with my friends. like noah's arc. load up all the animals and hit the road. travel around like aliens. be aliens. yeah, i guess i need to start brushing up on my math and science.
there are so many baby i's in this.
i i i i i i i ii i i i i ii , me me me me me me me me mememememememe. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | and lately it's been really, really hard. and i just don't know what i want or anything. and i can't tell. and my thoughts are of no use to me. because i can't understand what i'm thinking. and maybe i just want to run away to san francisco for a while. and drop out of college and tend bars for six months and then travel for six months. and maybe i miss so many people too much. i can't even get a moment of peace. even when i'm sleeping i'm dreaming of them. and marcelle. and my sister living half way across the country. which may as well be in another galaxy. because that's what it feels like. and i hate that feeling. and i just want peace of mind. and i want to be able to breathe. and i want to stop having anxiety attacks. and i want nyc and i want india and i want england and i want guatemala and belize and mexico again and i want south america and i want thailand and i want australia and i want africa and i want russia and i want tokyo and shanghai and beijing and mongolia and lithuania and romania and france and spain and greece and the mediterranean and new zealand and costa rica and panama and seatle and san francisco and athens and roma and dublin and county kerry and county claire. i can't sit still long enough to type my thoughts and i hate that i'm sitting here typing my thoughts. i hate that the sun comes in on my face every morning and wakes me up and i hate that i sleep way too late once i get used to it. and i hate that i didn't do my laundry yesterday. i hate that i took the time to cut out a picture of regina spektor to hang it on my wall. i hate that i like that boy. i hate that i can't do theatre anymore. i hate that i make excuses for myself. i hate that it's socially unacceptable to do most of the things that i want to do. i hate society and i hate america. i hate religion and i hate my dad throwing his back out. i hate the beautiful and damned and i hate f. scott fitzgerald. and i think zelda was a flaming idiot. i hate that kat has the nerve to tell me that i need to get out of state, that it's amazing. i hate florida and i hate oklahoma and i hate texas. i hate the sun and the moon and the stars and oxygen and trees and flowers and humanity. i hate hearts and i don't believe in love. i hate sex and i hate kissing and hugging. i hate nicknames and i hate when you call me them. i hate the solar system and i hate macroeconomics and i hate adam smith and i hate invisible things such as hands. i hate higher education. i hate education. i hate clever people and i hate thick people and i hate average people. i hate english accents and i hate scottish accents. i hate films and i hate music. this is the kind of day it is. and i hate this kind of day. it won't be like this tomorrow and it wasn't like this yesterday and that's what i hate about it. these days come and then they go and i can never remember the feeling until it comes again. and i want to just remember the feeling so it isn't such a surprise everytime this happens and maybe i won't sulk and have to make a livejournal post about it. and i don't really want anyone to read this and it's silly but i have to post this anyway. and then i can delete it tomorrow. or i can leave it up. i don't know. i can make that decision tomorrow, though. or the next day. or i never even have to make the decision. i could just forget about it. all i know is i miss ujournal. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | things are so blurry and fast and i don't mind. i rather prefer life this way. what day is it anyways? ohh summer. ohhh mexico. ohhh college. ohhh euro ass. ohhh meee. ohhh life. ohhh here we goooooooooo. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| New York and Kansas City...I think I am going to fucking die. truly. YESSSSSSSSSSS LIFE IS GOOD!!! I needed to tell you all that!
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| | whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever.whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever.whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever.whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| His goal in life was to be an echo
The type of sound that floats around and then back down
Like a feather
But in the deep chrome canyons of the loudest Manhattans
No one could hear him
Or anything
Why is life so fast? Would someone please come with me to some uncharted island where we can just do nothing all day for as long as we please? | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
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